ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
