u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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