the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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