I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
