I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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