Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
