I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
