I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
