i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
