I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
