just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
