why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
