I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
