Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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