Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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