True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
