I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
