I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
