So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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