I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
