So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
