I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
