Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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