I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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