i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
