found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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