i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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