i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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