HIV tests are more positive than that guy
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
