it hurts more in the daytime
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
