being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
