Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
only you would photoshop your dick
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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