we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
