help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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