I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
