i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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