I wish my penis had an off switch
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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