Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
