apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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