I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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