She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
