You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
