At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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