Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
