we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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