So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
