How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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