Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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