Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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