Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
